Gastric Bypass

Okay...so not everything I do every day is related to my gastric bypass, but sometimes it seems like it! Changing the way I think about food and how I deal with it every day is a big job. I can say that before I decided to commit to this, I didn't really think about food, other than that I was hungry, and I would find it any way it decided to come to me. At a work pot luck, at the drive thru, at home, at my mom's house. I definitely had the sea food diet...any food I see, I was happy to eat. When I would contemplate food, it was ONLY to think about how unhappy it made me, never to change what I didn't like, because that required too much mental and physical work on my part. Actually, I was just happy to ignore it, like I've done to so many other things in my life.


I did have a very nice phone conversation with my brother today. If nothing else, this blog has initiated conversation and thought on the part of many of those who read it. My brother shared with me that he has some of the same issues that I have described.


NOTE: a short rant to follow...Why is it that when a guy is overweight he still looks good, but when a woman is, she looks not-so-good? Who created THAT double standard? Can I shoot them? I saw my brother recently, and yes, almost our whole family has weight issues of one sort or another, but he still looked good. Ridin' around on a motorcycle certain lent him the aire of a man in charge! Okay, my rant is over!


I admire my brother because he doesn't seem to let fear of the unknown stop him. Maybe he'd like things a little differently, but who doesn't? He has a definite presence to him, and I think if he ever finds that certain way to tap into it in the right instance, WATCH OUT!


We had a real conversation about weight and some of the issues that may affect us. We talked about self control, addiction, and several other things that get in our way to a successful journey to a more healthy/happy life.


I shared with him some of my long thought out insight into addiction and self control. I have had to do several things about these issues. First is to forgive myself for beating me up all the time. THAT is an ongoing process, but it helps to take steps towards complete forgiveness in this area. The second is to educate myself about WHY I allowed myself to be as overweight as I am. I could wish that addiction and what it is and does to a person in any aspect of life that they might struggle with was discussed more as a younger adult. How would I have made myself LISTEN? I don't know. Kids that age do think they know it all! My own weight gain had several contributing factors. Some of which are the genetic predisposition, "food" environmental cues, some rather difficult relationship and professional struggles, all mingled to hand me a slight dose of depression. Thankfully, I am not an unhappy person in general(way to hard on myself maybe), but when I think back to those years in my life, my way to cope was to ignore. I LOVE that about me! If I don't think about it or see it, it does not exist. WHO does that? So not a good way to be. So back to my little point...I think I needed to come to terms with the fact that I really do have an addiction, and WHAT an addiction is, for me. Growing up, addicts were strung out on drugs, booze, porn, or cigarettes. I never thought I would in any way shape or form identify with those intrinsically bad people. I was being very judgemental, and not in the make-a-right-choice-and-stay-away-from-this-stuff, but in the I-don't-do-that-so-I-must-be-better-than-them way. I was, and still am, but trying not to be, very prideful. With a capital V. I think I better grasp the concept that good people do bad/stupid things. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it does add a level of compassion into my mind that maybe I didn't really understand before.

As an addiction, food is something that I crave mentally and physically. I can deal with the mental stuff...most of the time, but allowing myself to realize that this is also a physiological issue was a bit freeing from all that guilt that I was carrying around with me. You know where I stored all that guilt? Right on my butt!...well, other places too! Understanding that I had to work at overcoming a mental addiction AND a physical one helped me to forgive myself when I fell off that stupid wagon! Of course, being me...most of my falls are nice and far! But I had a soft tosh to catch me...what fun!

This leads to my thoughts on Self-Control. In many ways, I think self-control has become a twisted tool of those dark little forces that try to influence us to make bad choices. I honestly think that it is NO COINCIDENCE that when I am at my weakest moment in the food department that something tasty crosses my path. I know that we do have self control, and that we should exercise it regularly. When I fall down and eat something I shouldn't, those negative little forces are right there getting in my way telling me I might never be the person I should. Well, I do take responsibility for that. No one does this to myself but me. I do however, allow myself the ability to forgive it easier than I have in the past. It makes my heart feel just a bit better.

Which leads to my final thoughts on the day. Abstinence. The old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder, just does not apply in this case. The absence of many of my favorite things from my diet...I don't miss. Why is that? It certainly hasn't been that way before. The saying could be changed to "Abstinence make the heart grow stronger."

Thanks for letting me entertain you with my musings. I feel a bit better for having said them.

Jen's Freakin' Food Journal:
Breakfast: Yogurt, Cottage Cheese, Thinly sliced roast beast, vitamins, I can't remember if I had a fruit...my protein shake
Lunch: Some cabbage salad that I made...way to peppery, so I didn't eat to much, thinly sliced roast beast wrapped around some small bits of cheese, a wonderful white peach, vitamins
Dinner: nice piece of salmon, cabbage salad...not to much due to the pepper, some pecans, vitamins

I did not cheat, by snacking at all, and I did drink my water.