I think I need lessons...guy lessons!

It is 12am on Saturday, and I should so be in bed right now, but my mind is whirly and a bit achy from a night of too much loud music and to many thoughts bumping around up there. So I turn on my computer and start typing on my blog.

I did something I haven't done in a very long time tonight. I went dancing...of course it was your average church dance, only it wasn't. (BTW- I''m not really brave enough to go out out dancing...like to a bar or club, etc., plus, just not a fan of that scene either.) I was an ethnic minority there. I went to the Tongan branch's Friday night dance. I did have a good time, I met all kinds of people! Well, mostly Tongan, but that's to be expected right? I met some people all the way from Australia. They were nice. I was one of about five "white" people there. There were probably anywhere from 50 to 80 people. The music was loud and stuff that my next door neighbors listen to when I want to call the cops on them because of the noise pollution, but I never do! Even with that, I introduced myself to lots of people, danced a ton, and talked with people I've never met before. I really did put myself out there. So with all that good mixin' it up in the social arena for Jen, why the title of this blog? "Lemme splain somethin' to ya Lucy..."

I worked on my body language, and was talkative, occasionally funny, my hygiene was GREAT!(no laughing at that...I do worry about that, nobody wants to smell bad), I made eye contact, I occasionally touched people while talking to them. I was not the only newcomer there tonight, and every last one of them(the girls) was asked to dance by a member of the opposite sex, 'cept me. This included us whities, and the Tongans I met there. Now, I'm not complaining(too loudly, anyway)...this is status quo for me. Even in my thinner days the only men who'd ask me to dance where the boys I came with or knew well.(We won't discuss here the small subset of men who asked me to dance when they didn't know me. They did have things in common, only I'm not sure I'd like to live every evening what I teach during the day...'nuff said?) Okay, sometimes even they wouldn't dance with me. I guess the point is that I TRIED, I thought I looked nice, done hair, cute clothes, nice makeup, etc., and nothing. Not one thing. Not even a nibble. Why is that? I was so NOT the largest girl there, which is kind of a comforting thing actually. Physically speaking, I kind of felt at home. That aside...Is there something wrong with me that I just don't' see? What makes me so "less than"? That is a question that spans time, BTW. This is historic for me. I honestly wonder what it is I did then, and what it is I do now that makes me...me in regards to guys. I wont give up, yet. If I do, that would be bad for the progress I've made in many areas of my little life.

I understand that the whole weight issue is a deal breaker...if you are going to offer advice or suggestions to me(and that would be appreciated), try to address more my personality issues, now and historically. Am I mean? Am I overly sarcastic? Do I hover? Is it my teeth?

I am thirty five years old...shouldn't I be past this stage(at like 18)? I am too old for a singles ward, I am to young for the nearly-dead singles ward that meets in Moraga. I guess either God is going to have to shove someone in front of an oncoming bus, let me save them, then they are so grateful that they just can't help falling in love with me, or my next best option is ummm, haven't thought of one.

I don't' want cliche's. I've heard them ALL about a hundred times. I've heard "it will happen when your not looking for it" so many times, I'm ready to stab my own eyes out if I hear that one more time. HA! That was funny...I just made myself laugh...I had NO IDEA I was going to type that!

I look back at my dating career, and while actually I have been out with quite a few men, I've had one serious relationship that almost didn't reach that level, and I'm still honestly out with the verdict on it, seven(or so) years after it's been over. I remember being so off-put by one guy that I literally ran out of his car. Maybe I should go back in time, get over my B-issues, and thank my lucky stars that someone wanted a third date. That was the only one I'd been on, ever. (excluding the relationship that is/wasn't). SCREW third dates....how about a first or a SECOND? I went out with this lovely lawyer my sister set me up with. NEVER called again. I went out with a guy who had some physical problems with his legs...very nice. Never called again. MMMM, I went out with a mechanic, never wanted another date. OH, and this one is good, a co-worker tried to set me up with an LDS friend of hers, occupational therapist. She gave him my facebook or myspace page and probably my phone number, he was my age, about my same "cuteness" level(I saw a pic of him), and yup you guessed it...he NEVER called.

Obviously this isn't a problem with the guys I met. It is me. I am the ONLY common denominator. The problem wasn't even this evening...that just made me start thinking about it again...I so PREFER ignorance in this area. But do I want to change? Do I?

I think I do...so I am working on the outsides and the insides of my guts! Will that be enough?
My eveeiiilllll inner critic doesn't think so.

So, teach me! Sign me up for a school or something that teaches me what to do. Okay, maybe I don't really want/need advice. Maybe I'm one of the single ones forever. I just don't want to accept that, NOR do I want to accept someone who isn't right. I DO prefer my "singleton" status, over being an unhappy "smug married." (If you caught that movie reference, three points to you!)

I think I'm done. This may have felt like a rant to you, but for me...not so much. This was rather good writing therapy for me...I'm only sorry it was so long. If you got this far, you are a really good friend! I love ya! Funny thing is in the past, this would have felt a bit like public humiliation, now...nope. I think all my shame went out the door when I walked around and SLC theater with my dress in my nylons showing the world what few goods I got! I like thinking that someone COULD read this, but probably no one who doesn't already know me, or know this stuff will. If they do, and you're a guy...Let's go out sometime! You game enough to try it? hee hee hee hee haa haa haa!

Again I say...I love you all!