Life is Funny, and now I want to sleep!

I actually had today off from work. It was very nice, and yet is was still a very busy day! I encountered a totally new aspect of the process to get my gastric bypass surgery. I had to see a psychologist/therapist to be evaluated by them. The purpose is to ensure that I know what I am doing, and to see if they really think that I am fit/able to mentally handle the changes that will come to my life. I wonder if a half hour session can really determine that? Well, it isn't like it's therapy, it's really just conversation and asking me about my current success strategies, or failures. She was a very nice lady, and I enjoyed the time I spent with her.

I was quite open and honest with her. I decided I had no reason not to be. (Unfortunately, I'm going to be open and honest right now too.) I told her that I had indeed seen a therapist in my past and had even taken medication to help me through a really rough patch that I had. I didn't take meds or even go for therapy for very long, and it took me some time to make myself go, but it was helpful to me, even though I still kinda don't like that therapist I saw. How ironic! How many people would admit to that? I feel afraid to do so, and yet that is a fleeting emotion too. I think I mostly feel at peace with that choice, because it did help me. I had some very difficult work situations, mixing in with that some relationship challenges, well, a fairly significant relationship ended in my life, and I was at lose ends. I knew I couldn't go back because if I did I'd never move on to what I wanted/needed more than that friendship, but I was also really lonely and sad even that I did have my best friend to talk to. That still hurts sometimes. But the further on I move in my life, the more grateful I am for that decision. It was probably the hardest one I have ever made, even now I can't think of anything I've done that was harder. As I said before, this all happened during a very difficult time at work as well. I was spending my days getting beat up by my student, and would end almost everyday in tears in my classroom, especially when my staff would get beat up too. I could almost handle it better when it was just me getting hurt, because I didn't have to deal with the guilt I felt that my staff were getting hurt too.

Anyway, she was pretty impressed I think that I told her about my previous therapy/medication. She said I passed my interview with an A, the teacher in me was happy to hear that, and she paid me a compliment. She said that I was a person who knew how to handle stress, and had lots of good coping mechanisms to do so. WELL, I'll TRY to remember that when I really feel like the life stresses I have are getting the best of me.

Over all a good day. I am tired now, so I'm headed to my pillow! I love you all, and hope you are as great as I seem to be right now....okay that was so meant to be funny! So laugh I tell ya!

Oh my...what a WEEK! and GB stuff

I don't have to much to say today, only that I am so so so so so glad to have a computer today! I am also so so so so sad that I had to buy a new one. I REALLY hope I get the data back from my old computer! That is the most important thing for my right now. I am so very tired, and it is only Tuesday! It has been such a long week what with all the computer trauma experienced in my house...I am a WUSS without my computer! I think we all are!

One thing that all this busy has made me realize is that I need to be more organized. I like being busy. I miss having time to clean my house...I KNOW!!! That sentence just came from MY keyboard! I miss cooking and prep for my days...I am so tired that I am not being very effective. I am goign to sleep now, and I'll pray this next day is filled with opportunities to do just a little better than I did today.

Have a great day!

Just for kicks...

I have still been doing well in my quest for Gastric Bypass surgery. I've not lost MUCH weight since the begining of the month, but I've lost some and that is good. I am looking forward to having my new gym open up so that I can go there on a regular basis. Swimming sounds so go to me right now. Having access to a pool is something that is really floatin' my boat right now.

Jen's food journal:
Breakfast: only a piece of bread and poppy seeds...I was running late today.
Lunch: Salad with chicken, light dressing, cheese, an apple, and a few carrots.
Dinner: Beans, lettuce, cheese, quacamole, tomatoes, tortilla, yum!!!

I so missed all my vitamins and didn't quite get all my water. Oh...I think I better work on this.

Cole's lifted truck meets my clumbsiness...

I know I said I'd write again tomorrow, but life had other plans for me! I have however been thinking of some more of my funny moments to share with you...there are so many!

One did pop into my mind, especially as I recently added the brother of the person that this happened with to my face book page.

The following is a description of yet another reason why I MIGHT be afraid to date...

Towards the end of 2001, while I was living in Utah, I found myself volunteering for the Political Action Committee for the Davis County School District Teachers Association that I was a member of. I really enjoyed the different activities, and had the opportunity to interview several well known political figures in Utah.

As time moved on, in December that committee decided to have a Christmas party to help celebrate the seasons, being sure to NOT mix in any trainings, other than generally getting to know each other better. The year before when I went to this party I had taken my lovely sister Beth, and I think she had a good time then. But this year, I wanted to take a date. I hadn't been dating anyone for a while, so I asked my good friend Cole(he's married to a lovely wife now) to go with me. He humored me enough to say yes, but I think I remember almost having to twist his arm to get him to do it. Come on, one night with me (no hanky-panky, etc. happening) how bad could it be? You'll find out...

So he picks me up in his truck. Now, I like trucks, very manly type car. But I was wearing a skirt and nice shoes, and his truck was lifted to the point that it was almost as high as my hips/waist...I'm tall so that's saying something. He, of course, has to show me how to get in the truck, and then is a gentleman and helps me in to too. When we get to where were going, in deference to my good shoes, nice black skirt and shirt, he parks quite far away from any snow patches or obvious signs of danger.

It had been so long, and Cole was a good friend, that I forgot the whole date protocol that dictates a girl should wait to get out of the car until her escort walks around and opens the door for her. So, as soon as he parked, I open the door and use the built in step, to step out of the truck. Before I know it, I realize that my foot is precariously place on the ground on a lovely patch of black ice that neither of us knew was there. I look up in Cole's direction as I slightly less than gracefully fall to the ground, sliding at least halfway under his truck. (Thank Heavens it was lifted, not only did I slip, but I could have been stuck too, and that is just a whole other level of horror I try not to think about!)

I come to a stop in my slide to freedom, and I hear Cole from inside the truck laughing the laugh of a man whose long gone without one. Through his giggles, he asks if I am okay. I say I think so, but that I'm not sure, through my slightly less than veiled snickering too. He gets out of his truck, walks around and I am just sitting there. I was completely on black ice and had no traction whatsoever to get up. (How embarrassing is that? Being a girl of size even way back then...the only thing I could do was laugh, cuz I might have cried!) He helped me to get up, but NOT before he almost fell himself.

Luckily, none of my clothes were ruined or ripped, and as I was wearing mostly black, with a coat over it, nothing was dirty either. We went into the party, and of course I had to tell all my friends there what had happened...I have NO IDEA how to keep my fat mouth SHUT! Through the entire evening, and into the next day I was reminded of what I had done, seeing as the entire right side of my body hurt from trying to hold the pavement in its' proper place with a lot of force.

Even with that lovely experience...Cole was a great date, a real gentleman, and just a bit dumb for not askin' me out again! Oh well...he must've been meant for his current wife!!!! ;-)!

I love you all!

Have a good one!

Jennalee

FYI, doing well on the GB stuff...no time to write today, but will tomorrow....I promise!!!!

Tired...must sleep!

Hey all, I am so tired...If I wasn't so trained to capitalize letters, I doubt I'd be doing it now! To much work to move a finger right now!

After getting home from class...I want to sleep till Saturday...so NOT going to happen!

I'll be funny tomorrow. For now...

Jen's food journal:
Breakfast: protein shake, apple, yogurt
Lunch: Salad with ham/turkey, raspberries, lean cuisine pasta/shrimp meal
Dinner: veggies with some dressing, yogurt, apple, 2 carrots...then badness, but that's life. I got a bean burrito, and a burrito supreme. I had to eat...okay no I didn't. I was very hungry and tired, and grumpy...so the drive through.

I'm not happy about that, but I am happy I haven't had a soda in going on almost 2 months. That is SO TOTALLY SHOCKING!!!! I have been the Diet coke girl for ever!

Yup, I got my water, and only missed 1 dose of my vitamins.

Thanks!

Thanks to those of you who left comments! The story about my dress revealing all my frontal...self is one of my favorites! I have so many more....some more embarrasing, some less. I'll try to add a few more on, as time passes. I don't think I can face another embarrasing moment just now...so please just wait in earnest for the next installment of "The Chronicles of Jennalee!"

I'm off to study more, but I can update this part too!

Jen's Food Journal:
Breakfast: Protein Shake, yogurt, apple
Lunch: yogurt, carrot, turkey slices, broccoli salad with a little dressing, apple
Dinner: Ahi Tuna, Cauliflower/dressing, bread toasted, salad with little dressing.

I got all my vitamins and got most of my water!

Smile!

Today is better & Embarrassing Moments

Today was a much better day for me, keeping in line with all the dietary recommendations for my upcoming surgery...no, it's not scheduled, but maybe soon!

Okay, I want to add another most embarrassing moment to this, so here goes:

My sister Beth and I, many years ago, decided to attend a concert given in SLC's downtown theater. I can't remember the name of it, but it was golden on the inside, and had several different levels of balconies. Quite the nice theater! We decided to meet there, as neither of us wanted to drive so far out of our way. So when I arrived and after having found a parking spot, I got out and headed into the theater. This was in the days when I was much thinner, mind you, so I was feelin' and lookin' okay I thought. I was wearing a black with pink/green/white small flowers printed sheath dress, with a nice faux suede jacket over it. The jacket was the green color, and was just as long as the dress was. Also I was wearing nice black shoes and nylons(that is important later in my tale!).It was my favorite outfit at the time...very stylish! Walking down the sidewalk towards the entrance, a nice looking tall gentleman was walking towards me. We made eye contact, and he gave me one of the nicest smiles I'd seen in a long time. After that I KNEW I was lookin' fine!

So I find my sister, and we get to our seats. We were at a piano concert given by David Lanz, so we both dressed up quite nicely. About 15 minutes before it began we decide to take one last trip to the restroom, which we do. She's finished before I am, and she leaves to find her seat. I wash my hands, check my face in the mirror, and follow her not to long after that.

As I'm walking back to my seat, all the way across the second level balcony, I notice that lots of people are making eye contact and smiling...in what I THINK is a friendly manner. Again, I'm feeling pretty good about myself by this time. Yup, Jen's curse STRIKES with a VENGEANCE again.

My first clue that something was VERY wrong, a man about 10 seats down from where we were sitting in our row, leans forward, jaw dropped, and stares me into my seat. As I sit down, I figure out what is wrong...wait for it...

My dress (not the coat part, thank heavens ) had gotten stuck up in the back of my nylons. So as I sat down, I look into my lap and what do I see, but the whole kit and kaboodle! Along with everyone else who walked by me mere minutes before! I look over to Beth and say something stupid like, Oh My! My dress is up around my waist! As I tug it back into place, she starts laughing...she's trying so hard to control it...but honestly...who could? I couldn't! I start laughing too, and we BOTH have to get up and leave for a few minutes of HYSTERICAL laughter! We walk back in later on, but are both agreed that we absolutely CAN NOT sit where we were before. We moved quite far away, where nobody knows my...self, and are composed through most of the lovely concert. We only start laughing when we hear each other giggling!

Probably the best part of my sad little story is that when we leave and head to my car, Beth comes with me. We call our Mom on the phone, and start to tell her the story, but instead, we laugh for literally SEVEN WHOLE MINUTES before we calm down enough to tell her what had happened. She was already laughing at us laughing so hard, and once she hears it...we all laugh for probably 20 minutes more.

My family has been merciless with this story. My sisters tell it to people I've yet to meet, and then when I do, they giggle at me for some strange reason, UNTIL I find out they've heard...the story, and KNOW it was me it that did it!

You've probably heard this, but what I nice memory that I'd like to cut out of my brain!

Feel free to comment me back if you like!

Jen's food journal:
Breakfast: protein shake, egg, toast, banana, vitamins
Lunch: Broccoli salad, turkey slices, apple, yogurt, carrot stick x2, dressing
Dinner: 1pc Ahi Tuna, Salad, dressing

I forgot my lunch vits, but got all the rest, an did get my water!

Smile!

Re-Commit

Since my appointment with the Gastric Bypass people in Freemont that I wrote about, I can confess to struggling a bit with my diet/food choices. So, as I've gone through my day today, I realized that I need to re-commit. I need to re-commit to a life lived without sugar. So from today on, that is what I will do. I always feel like when I rationalize my bad food choices something along the lines of "I wasn't that bad!" or "This one time won't hurt, it's not like I do it all the time." These are just falsehoods I'm using to make excuses for poor food choices. The no sugar, no soda, no fastfood, no drinking with meals, no snacking rules are back in place with a vengence from today on. So, in an effort to be positive, the yes to protein, fruits & veggies, water in between meals without anything else, 1200 cal. diet needs to be back in place...immediately!

Sounds like I've been really, really bad. The simple answer is no, but I find if I close a door, I try to open a window, so I'm going to metephorically shut the door, nail shut any windows, and put caulking all around the edges of the windows so that I can't even open them.

So, I'll report back soon to let you know how my re-commit has gone, and then I'll feel better about myself.

Smile!

Fast Track City, Baby!

So, I've had the longest day...almost ever! It's late, and I'll TRY to make this brief.

I am so on the fast track to getting my surgery! I had some fabulous appointments today with a dietitian, a surgeon, and the program coordinator for the Freemont Bariatric group. My Psych. appointment is coming up on the 23rd of this month, and then after that, it SHOULD be a hop, skip, and jump to surgery! I am so excited by this! Coming this close to it, makes it all more real. I'm really working at having normal expectations, and realizing that even though this WILL be happening, I'll still be me and all my issues won't magically disappear overnight.

The only really funny thing that happened to me during this appointment is that the dietitian commented on my speech patterns. She wouldn't be the first one to tell me I talk funny! I keep thinking back to the title of that book about a disabled child..."Me Tauk Purty one day, Momma!" So I use all these funny little prepositional phrases like...I make a concerted effort, or something else like...whatever, so I talk like I'm either stuck up or educated or really that I read WAY TO MUCH! Thanks to my Master's program...Now I'll start talking like a scientific journal article...using all the big words like...discrete trial, and progressive time delay strategies, and research shows that...

I apologize already!

But...be happy for me too...surgery...here I come!

Jen's food journal:

Breakfast: protein shake, raspberries, yogurt
Lunch: 2 carrots, 1 piece fish, yogurt, banana
Dinner: Veggie salad with dressing on the side, 1 piece fish, yogurt, apple.

I got all my water, got SOME of my vitamins, and no cheating!

My meals were quite spread out today...I planned ahead, because I knew I'd be at a Dr.'s appointment, but she was running so very late, that I didn't eat lunch until almost 2:30pm. I think I was ready to start gnawing on the leather in my purse I was so hungry!

Love ya bunches!

Smile

See You In 5 Years!

Imagine yourself standing in a smallish room with out any sort of top on in front of a woman you've never met before, trying to make semi-decent small talk to avoid thinking about the fact that you are hugging a cold machine that you just know unnumbered thousands of others have hugged in a very similar style. That is what I was doing today at 3pm pacific standard time. I arrived early for my 3:15pm appointment with a mildly nauseated stomach, just wondering where I'd be an hour from now. Would I be leaving with answers? Would I be having a biopsy? Would I leave with a diagnosis? And finally and most hoped for, Would I be leaving with a clean bill of health?

I was called early, which is a rare thing in the world of Kaiser...if you know them at all they too run on MST, Mormon Standard Time. Which is code for a day late and a dollar short of anything remotely resembling the concept of "on time." After meeting the very nice technician named Christine, who promptly had me remove the aforementioned shirt, etc., we proceeded to get very friendly. She now knows my "girls" better than any boy ever has! But in this scenario, I didn't ask for her number, I asked for the machine's number, cuz MAN!, that machine got very personal with me! When I told Christine that I needed it's number, she laughed out loud! She said that no one had ever said it quite like that, and then agreed that it does get more action with lots of different women, than any man she's ever met...thank heavens!

She then proceeded to hand me a hospital gown that was made for the size of person that I hope to be someday. It was so very small! I asked her for a different size, and she said, okay, but that the only other size they had was humongous! She wasn't wrong, but I'd rather wear the tent than show off my beautiful self to all those unfortunate souls waiting around for their own tests. They don't need that kind of fright right before submitting to the ministrations of some other person in a white lab coat.

She read the X-ray, stated that I had a good picture taken, and sent me off down the hallway to be seen by an ultrasound technician and then by the Doctor. We picked my momma up from the waiting area and had her walk with us to another waiting area. I teased Christine and told my mom that she tried to hand me a gown that was a size that would probably fit my leg. We all did laugh then, being that we were all a bit on edge.

I was led to the next waiting area, which was really a hallway with chairs, where my mom and I sat down to wait for the next test to happen. I was quite nervous, so I did get some really good focused reading done, as of course I brought my schoolwork with me.

I went into the ultrasound room, and the technician directed me to lay down on the table...here is where my Butt had a few tricks up it's sleeve, to help me feel even more awkward. I sat on the bed to lay down for the procedure, and as I did...the bed practically slid out from underneath me...made me feel HUGE! The tech tried to pass it off that I shouldn't have "pounced" on the bed, but really...she didn't lock the wheels on it. I do did not pounce, but being nervous DOES make me awkward, so I supposed I COULD have contributed to the tricks that my Butt performed in there!

After I got all settled, she did the ultrasound. At this point I am a bit freaked out. The lump I felt initially was in neither the new X-ray they did, or with the ultra sound side that she started out with. We share some even more inane small talk and all the while I'm thinking...this is almost over...what's going to happen?

The Doctor comes in at the end of the session, spends all of 3 minutes with me and the Tech and then says, "You're fine! We'll see you in five years!" After all my fear, apprehension, and nausea...that's it? It kinda felt like it did when I was released from my mission. I'd spent 18 months focused on this specific task and then...sitting in my Stake President's kitchen (also, I'd known the man my entire life...so that didn't help either), "You're Released!" TADA!!! Just like that...No more mission...No breast cancer. What a thing to worry about.

What all their concern was over is apparently the fact that I didn't just have one cyst, but I had five or six or seven in a rather disconcerting chain-like formation. While this problem does seem to run in our family, they didn't see anything concerning enough to even biopsy this. It won't cause me any issues for the foreseeable future, which, let's face it...is frickin' fabulous! I believe I did a happy dance! Am STILL doing a happy dance right now...although that could be because I also need to visit the little girls room too!

Leave it to me and my momma to go out to dinner after getting the happy news! Here are pictures from our foray into the Claim Jumper restaurant. As to what I ate there...read my food journal after the pics!

Isn't my Momma adorable! WAIT 'till you hear her say "Sundee, Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee, etc.," and He-cups for for hiccups! I love her cute guts so much!!!

Jen's Food Journal:

Breakfast: Protein Shake, banana, yogurt, vitamins

Lunch: fish, Salad, Balsamic Dressing, 1 HB egg, Raspberries, with a little splenda, vitamins

Dinner: 1/2 claimjumper Veggie patty sandwich, 1 dill pickle, ...bad, but small amt. lightly seasoned fries with ketschup, vitamins

I had some fiber added today..later, with 6oz yogurt.

I got all my water and vitamins, and other than eating out, a GREAT day! Even with the eating out, I still had success there, in eating only 1/2 of my meal.

Smile!

Monday, Monday!

I woke up this morning thinking about all the lovely things that were said during conference yesterday. My mind kept going back to the last talk given by Pres. Monson. He talked about ( or at least what I heard/gleaned from his talk) hope. He gave us His blessings, which is a major thing I think, and said that through all our lives, struggles, and trials, the Lord would stay with us, if we can stay faithful and have hope. I know there were many more aspects to his sermon, but This is what resonated with me, not only because of my own life, and the lives of my close family and friends, but because I can't help thinking about the little girl I know with cancer. I cannot imagine what her parents are going through, and indeed, I don't want to try. That is a spiral that no one should have to go through. That little girl elected to come to this life in the pre-existence knowing that she would struggle and have hardships. I don't know if any of us can comprehend what that means in such an innocent state. But she has blessed and continues to bless the lives of those who know her. She has strength. She has courage. She has a mother who fights for her survival like a momma alligator. A bear just didn't quite seem as intent as her mother is. Alligators are fierce and determined and deadly when crossed. Okay, she wouldn't actually harm anyone, I think, but she and her whole family are being tested. I pray for them that what happens for them and their family will be for the best and for their ultimate good. I am sure that while I am not an intimate acquaintance of that family, their lives affect mine and many others. I keep a prayer in my heart for them, and when I feel blue or downtrodden, I remember to have perspective and strive for grace in my hardships and understanding for those around me. This is a continual and progressive goal in my life.

Jen's Food Journal:

Breakfast: Vitamins, Water, I had NOT one bit of food in my house this AM. Honestly, If I hadn't gotten paid...I would have been out beggin' on the streets...or I would have broken out my food storage stuff! At least I have it, but Yuck!
Lunch: Oh...I wish today had been better...now come the public humiliation part...I got myself a low calorie salad, but honestly, it tasted HORRIBLE! I make better salads that what I PAID for! I tossed it, found myself a lean cuisine sandwich, cooked it in the Micro, and ate that...while at work. I didn't get my vits with this.
Dinner: Fish, it was overcooked, Salad, it was great!, a yogurt, nope...no vitamins...I am forgetting this step...

Now for the really bad part. I am so not happy with myself, but I said that I would be honest on this so I won't lie to you, or to myself. I got so hungry today, while I was out shopping for food. I resisted ALMOST everything. No soda...shocking, No Ice cream...even more shocking, but I did buy something I shouldn't. I bought some of those Entamen's??? Chocolate Donuts. I didn't even like them, that much. Why did I do this to myself? I have several theories actually... They follow here:
1. I didn't eat AT ALL right today, so my blood sugar got all wonky. While I don't have diabetes, or even pre-diabetes, skipping meals, or eating crappy foods, VERY bad for me. I do best when I stick to a routine.
2. I am worried about tomorrow. I have two appointments to get yet another Mammo and Ultrasound on myself. This was a case of stress eating...my first in a VERY LONG time.
3. I was/am feeling a bit stressed out about my classroom. I have a new student coming Friday, I don't know much about her, other than what I've read. PLUS, I haven't been able to get all my own classroom stuff caught up, because of the next number!!! STRESS...
4. I was/am feeling stressed over my own school work. This course assigns a TON of reading, and very in depth assignments. I am trying to get caught up(the TEACHER was late with some stuff) to where I need to be, and get my first assignment done. Add to all that, if it isn't done by tomorrow...I can't get it done because I'll be gone all of Wed. and will head from where I'll be straight to class in Hayward.

Oh Boy...I do have somethings about this situation that I am happy with though...they follow:
1. I didn't eat them all, I threw away what was left when I realized I didn't even like them.
2. I am fessing up to doing it, to me, and to you.
3. I've analyzed WHY this MAY have happened in an attempt to avoid this problem behavior in the future.
4. I will get myself back on track, NOT starting tomorrow, but starting NOW!

I do feel better! I hope you do too!

Smile!

Sunday Soul, Studying, Gastric Bypass Stuff

Today was a great day, soul wise! I thoroghly enjoyed listening to conference...the true test of all of us will be to put into practice those things that we know we should already be doing, and then add one or two more to that lovely list as we can. Praying for the nations of the world, as well as ours, NEVER a bad thing! I wish I could say that I spent the entire day basking in the whole General Conference thing...I was just not able too!

I have been studying almost non-stop over the past two days! I'm realizing that I really want to arrange my week so that I DON'T have to study on Sunday's. One day off to focus on other things...a totally fantastic idea! I honestly can't avoid it this week, and maybe next week too! I have two classes, and the professors' in both classes couldn't get our reading materials to us in a timely fashion. In order to be current when my next class comes around, I need to read almost 300 pages from various texts dealing with current research topics about teaching methodology for the special needs population, do one homework assigment that encompasses several days worth of work/data collection working with a student...well as I'm on break and don't have an assigned student teaching site, I believe I'll be using old data to fill in that gap...luckily I HAVE that data from my own classroom.

I'm giving it the old college try to get all my work for this week's classes done, and started on the next week's stuff so I DON'T have to do this on Sundays. I HOPE I have the focus for all this.

Wish me Luck!

As for my gastric bypass updates...I know I haven't done those for the last several days. There are several reasons for this...as mentioned above...totally busy right now! Also, I had probably my first real sugar episode since starting this, in earnest about a month and a half ago. I went to my Sister's house for a birthday celebration for her husband, and if you know my sister AT ALL, you know what she is famous for...baking cakes. OMGosh...it was so wonderful. I had the smallest piece...it was really maybe a six-eight bite'r. I let all that wonderful chocolate and coconut cake/frosting just melt all over my tounge in appreciation! My mom says she's never experienced this, so maybe no one else has either, but my mouth tingled through the first three or so bites of it in pure enjoyment! I thought to myself, If I never get to have sex, DAMN I'm going back on the CAKE!!! I can't seem to MAKE myself say it any differently than that! I sit here a day later and am still mentaly distracted by that cake! I am SO screwed up! My body got it's revenge though! I know what's to come if I do go back to that life...and really I don't want to now. To be a little graphic, but not TO graphic, about 10 hours after eating that wonderful few bits of chocolate bliss, my intestines led a revolt against my stomach...and won! What a price to pay for yummy! I stand by what I've said in previous blogs, I'd rather have a child than eat more cake...so that's what I'm going to do. With everyone's support I can muster.

Jen's food Journal:
Breakfast: two eggs, red pepper, bits of cheese, very toasted bread, small apple, vitamins
Lunch: Chicken sliced thinly, Salad with light and lite dressing, various veggies, vitamins
Dinner: in the process...Mom's pot roast(about 2 oz.)beans, cheese, spices if I can find any, salsa, vitamins

No cheating today, and I did get all my water!

I do feel better after sleeping on it!

Having watched conference this AM, and listening to Br. Uchdorff's talk on hope mitigating the despair that we sometimes feel in our lives...well, let's just say sleep and a speech has made me feel better. I don't think I got all that way to despair, only into really strong wonder??? My sister suggested that maybe I blew things out of perportion, and while I don't really agree with that, all evidence supports my previous quierries, I DO agree that maybe 12 am isn't the best time to write stuff like that. Unfortunately what I said, still stands, only now I don't really feel all the drama! Both my sis, and another good friend made me feel quite good about all this stuff. I do think/hope/pray that they're close to right...maybe I've got something over here, but I just never knew it. And if I don't know I've got it, then how is anyone else going to know? Yup...I'm a case study for the ages!

My hope, as Bro. Uchtdorff asked us to strive at having, isn't to find what I think I'm missing. It is to find what my Heavenly Father thinks I need/deserve/should have. Ultimately, even though I want what I want when I want it, I know I'll be happier when I not only intellectually understand that, but emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically understand and accept that in my life too.

Patience, apparently, isn't a virtue I possess in great amounts. I'll work on patience too!

Be happy today!

I think I need lessons...guy lessons!

It is 12am on Saturday, and I should so be in bed right now, but my mind is whirly and a bit achy from a night of too much loud music and to many thoughts bumping around up there. So I turn on my computer and start typing on my blog.

I did something I haven't done in a very long time tonight. I went dancing...of course it was your average church dance, only it wasn't. (BTW- I''m not really brave enough to go out out dancing...like to a bar or club, etc., plus, just not a fan of that scene either.) I was an ethnic minority there. I went to the Tongan branch's Friday night dance. I did have a good time, I met all kinds of people! Well, mostly Tongan, but that's to be expected right? I met some people all the way from Australia. They were nice. I was one of about five "white" people there. There were probably anywhere from 50 to 80 people. The music was loud and stuff that my next door neighbors listen to when I want to call the cops on them because of the noise pollution, but I never do! Even with that, I introduced myself to lots of people, danced a ton, and talked with people I've never met before. I really did put myself out there. So with all that good mixin' it up in the social arena for Jen, why the title of this blog? "Lemme splain somethin' to ya Lucy..."

I worked on my body language, and was talkative, occasionally funny, my hygiene was GREAT!(no laughing at that...I do worry about that, nobody wants to smell bad), I made eye contact, I occasionally touched people while talking to them. I was not the only newcomer there tonight, and every last one of them(the girls) was asked to dance by a member of the opposite sex, 'cept me. This included us whities, and the Tongans I met there. Now, I'm not complaining(too loudly, anyway)...this is status quo for me. Even in my thinner days the only men who'd ask me to dance where the boys I came with or knew well.(We won't discuss here the small subset of men who asked me to dance when they didn't know me. They did have things in common, only I'm not sure I'd like to live every evening what I teach during the day...'nuff said?) Okay, sometimes even they wouldn't dance with me. I guess the point is that I TRIED, I thought I looked nice, done hair, cute clothes, nice makeup, etc., and nothing. Not one thing. Not even a nibble. Why is that? I was so NOT the largest girl there, which is kind of a comforting thing actually. Physically speaking, I kind of felt at home. That aside...Is there something wrong with me that I just don't' see? What makes me so "less than"? That is a question that spans time, BTW. This is historic for me. I honestly wonder what it is I did then, and what it is I do now that makes me...me in regards to guys. I wont give up, yet. If I do, that would be bad for the progress I've made in many areas of my little life.

I understand that the whole weight issue is a deal breaker...if you are going to offer advice or suggestions to me(and that would be appreciated), try to address more my personality issues, now and historically. Am I mean? Am I overly sarcastic? Do I hover? Is it my teeth?

I am thirty five years old...shouldn't I be past this stage(at like 18)? I am too old for a singles ward, I am to young for the nearly-dead singles ward that meets in Moraga. I guess either God is going to have to shove someone in front of an oncoming bus, let me save them, then they are so grateful that they just can't help falling in love with me, or my next best option is ummm, haven't thought of one.

I don't' want cliche's. I've heard them ALL about a hundred times. I've heard "it will happen when your not looking for it" so many times, I'm ready to stab my own eyes out if I hear that one more time. HA! That was funny...I just made myself laugh...I had NO IDEA I was going to type that!

I look back at my dating career, and while actually I have been out with quite a few men, I've had one serious relationship that almost didn't reach that level, and I'm still honestly out with the verdict on it, seven(or so) years after it's been over. I remember being so off-put by one guy that I literally ran out of his car. Maybe I should go back in time, get over my B-issues, and thank my lucky stars that someone wanted a third date. That was the only one I'd been on, ever. (excluding the relationship that is/wasn't). SCREW third dates....how about a first or a SECOND? I went out with this lovely lawyer my sister set me up with. NEVER called again. I went out with a guy who had some physical problems with his legs...very nice. Never called again. MMMM, I went out with a mechanic, never wanted another date. OH, and this one is good, a co-worker tried to set me up with an LDS friend of hers, occupational therapist. She gave him my facebook or myspace page and probably my phone number, he was my age, about my same "cuteness" level(I saw a pic of him), and yup you guessed it...he NEVER called.

Obviously this isn't a problem with the guys I met. It is me. I am the ONLY common denominator. The problem wasn't even this evening...that just made me start thinking about it again...I so PREFER ignorance in this area. But do I want to change? Do I?

I think I do...so I am working on the outsides and the insides of my guts! Will that be enough?
My eveeiiilllll inner critic doesn't think so.

So, teach me! Sign me up for a school or something that teaches me what to do. Okay, maybe I don't really want/need advice. Maybe I'm one of the single ones forever. I just don't want to accept that, NOR do I want to accept someone who isn't right. I DO prefer my "singleton" status, over being an unhappy "smug married." (If you caught that movie reference, three points to you!)

I think I'm done. This may have felt like a rant to you, but for me...not so much. This was rather good writing therapy for me...I'm only sorry it was so long. If you got this far, you are a really good friend! I love ya! Funny thing is in the past, this would have felt a bit like public humiliation, now...nope. I think all my shame went out the door when I walked around and SLC theater with my dress in my nylons showing the world what few goods I got! I like thinking that someone COULD read this, but probably no one who doesn't already know me, or know this stuff will. If they do, and you're a guy...Let's go out sometime! You game enough to try it? hee hee hee hee haa haa haa!

Again I say...I love you all!

Yesterday was a SUPERFUN day!

I am so lying in my blog entry title by the way! Yesterday was one of the toughest days I've had since really starting my life style changes. In case you're wondering, wonder no further. Nope I didn't cheat at all, but I believe I gazed very longingly/lovingly at all the yummies(which really aren't anymore) that I won't ever eat again. I wanted a diet coke so badly!

Why you ask??? I'll tell you...read on!

I've been reluctant to write about this. Even if no one reads this...this is one of those instances where I've wanted to ignore a problem very badly! But I can't! Plus...it's not finished yet.

3 or so months ago, I found one of those big "L" words. Yes a Lump...3 guesses as to where, and the first two don't count! Not on my noggin, and not on my car! Just 2 weeks ago, at the behest of my Dr., I had a lovely mammogram...I won't go into detail(but if any women have never had one, and want to know what to expect...I'll share a bit more privately). I was a bit freaked out by the whole process. So, yes they found what I thought they'd find, plus other things that I didn't expect. I mean literally within 2 days of having that mammo, I had THREE, yes that is THREE more appointments to deal with this. One was a routine apt., that's fine, the other two are not so much. The key factor in all of this...NO ONE TOLD ME A BLESSED THING!!! I didn't have any information until yesterday. I practically had to pry that from the nurse practitioner who saw me yesterday. She was very good and very nice, but not wanting to commit to sharing anything to in depth. She did ease my fears a bit, but not all the way. She shared with me the results of my previous mammo, and said I should still go have those next apts. all the way over in Martinez. After she did a sonogram on me, she said that it looked MOSTLY like a cyst. The obvious read to that statement is that it didn't all the way, and what the crap is it? Hmmm...I might make my momma go with me to those other apts.! What is this...apparently a girl never gets over needing her momma!

So, what with all the fear/anxiety, not overwhelming, but certainly ever present, I had to literally call someone in order to make sure I would stay on my wagon...I didn't want to cheat, but the urge was strong...I kept hearing..."Awwh, come on Jen! You've been so good, after all this, you deserve a reward/treat. You don't ever give yourself those anymore...just once wont hurt!" Dude, my inner voice sounds like SATAN!!!! J/K, but man, I want the waiting to be done RIGHT NOW!!!

Okay...

Jen's Food Journal: 10/1/08

Breakfast: 2 eggs, very light butter on a very toasted piece of wheat/health food bread, some ketchup to top it off, vitamins.
Lunch: After my apt. I really couldn't eat..., vitamins
Dinner: Vegetable salad with cabbage NOT lettuce...I've discovered I don't like lettuce to much, balsamic dressing, an orange, 6-8 pecans, vitamins

No cheating, and I did get all my water.

I AM AN AUNTY AGAIN!!!

For all you interested people...Jake and Meggin had their baby girl!!! Late last night she joined their family weighing in at 7lbs. 10oz., 21 inches long, with RED hair, and Celeste Undine as her name! Look lower on my page and you will see a link posted to their blogsite which I am sure will eventually have PLENTY of pictures posted to it! Yeah! Our family!!!!!